Resigned

I’m resigned to the fact that, as someone in their mid-forties, will remain single for the remainder of what time I may have left here. It’s been fourteen years since I’ve been in a relationship (casual or otherwise; and, yes, it even means going without that; at least with another person involved) and, you know what, I’m okay with that. Many misconstrue being alone and being lonely. Not true at all. At least not for me. Sure, every now and then I think maybe it would be better to be in a relationship. Then reality kicks in when I recall the past relationships I was in and think better of it. It’s kind of like smoking. I used to smoke, quit, start-up again, quit; you know the cycle. Ten or so years ago, I quit for good, cold turkey. When the urge to start again occurred, I remembered those times when I was in that cycle of starting up again and getting nauseous from whatever chemicals are in cigarettes and forcing myself to build up a tolerance to it again; that stops me right there from wanting to begin again. Same with drinking. Not that I had or have a drinking problem, but I learned at an early age that I have a wrong temperament for it. Hard liquire in particular, due to a few bad experiences, will have me hurling in no time; just the smell of it makes me gag.

Now, I’m not saying that being in a relationship would cause me to have a visceral reaction like smoking or drinking would, but if history is a good gauge of how things will go, then I’d rather not get disappointed or disappoint someone else again. Usually when I was in a relationship, that person was already at their worst. Then, after they were with me for a while, they realized their mistake and moved on, usually to better lives and relationships. I guess you could say I make them want to be a better person, just without me. That’s fine. I can live with that. If that’s my lot in life, so be it.

It may sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself, well, I don’t. As I stated earlier, I am perfectly content with being single and alone in this world. Also, again, people shouldn’t mistake being alone as being lonely; being alone is a state of being, being lonely is a psychological condition that you should maybe see someone to talk about. Throughout my life, I have spent the majority of it alone (because I was the only person I could trust, even at a young age; that’s a whole other story that I may share), but never felt lonely. I may have felt a twinge or briefly thought something was inherently wrong with me when I mistakenly ventured into on-line dating and didn’t even get a glance. Or when I went on [anti-]social media and have zero followers; like absolutely, of the billions of people on social media, not one follow. I guess that means I am just that unique of a person and that I have nothing of interest to offer anyone. And you know what, that’s perfectly fine. Some people are just meant to navigate life solo.

Finally, and this is probably not true, I think all the women got together, had a meeting, and decided as a collective group (through telepathic means), that I was to be avoided at all costs. Besides, with the current political environment, where everyone, women especially, assumes that every guy is like those assholes in the entertainment industry. Guess what, ladies? Most guys are not like that. Are not sexual predators. Are not serial rapists. But, because some cerebral hemorrhage (celebrity) says so, and people spend way too much time idolizing these vacuous people, it’s the way things are now, I guess.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Stoya

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